What's the Best Food Gift Option?

Giftbaskets are soooo last year!  Or is it last century?  Actually, I hope the correct response is neither.  I'm actually a gift food merchant.  Kind of has a special ring to is, doesn't it?  While I agree that it's not quite the same as being a test pilot or a neurosurgeon, it's an honest way to pay for tuition for my grandson.  Or at least it would be a good way to do so if more of you bought my products.

I can read your mind: "I'll bet he never has a problem deciding what to give during the holidays; year in and year out everybody on his list gets stuck with another gift basket."  I want to disabuse you of your smug attitude!  In fact, I face the same dilemmas that you face during any gift giving, decision making crisis.

I don't give only baskets of joy to my loved ones.  However, even if I did, the choice would still not be easy.  At my store, we offer scores of fruit baskets, gourmet meals, wine gift baskets and far more than that, even.  (I can hear you right now, begging me to tell you where this wonderful store is.  A little patience is called for on your part.)

Before you bribe me (or threaten me) to share my store location with you, I want to tell you about my own decision making approach.

My first step is to decide on the appropriate category of gift from the many choices.  If Uncle Milton has his drinking problem under control for the first time in ten years, I should not even consider the wine baskets.  Instead, I'll opt for a fruit basket with something seasonal.  After years of ignoring the nutritional value of what he consumed, he could use a few extra servings of fruit in solid form.

Aunt Millie, on the other hand, is a great wine sipper.  Frankly, I don't know if she really enjoys the wine, but she sure enjoys talking about it.  She loves to let everyone know the best vintage years, the kinds of grapes that are used in various blends and, most of all, how much she spent on the wine you just spilled all over her new carpeting ( a square yard).  She'll get a simple wine gift basket, but I'm not going to spring for the champagne!  (I'm also not going to pay for the carpet cleaning; not after what that cat of hers did to my new coat.)

My nephew, Alfred, recently married his long time girlfriend.  To tell you the truth, even I agree that it's about time.  Alfred spent the last eight years trying to decide if she was worth the cost of a diamond ring.  (I suspect that he eventually settled on crystal, which, considering Alfred, would be thought of as generous.)  What he wants is a check.  Well, he's not getting that from me.  Instead, they're getting a meal of live lobsters and the trimmings from me.  Actually two, of course.  I figure it's the only way to get that cheap guy's new bride out of the kitchen for an evening.  (They honeymooned by visiting me!)

My second step, after choosing a category is to select a price range that I'm willing to spend on these people.  Then my wife makes me double that amount.

My perfect grandson isn't getting a food gift.  I'm getting him the latest cell phone system, complete with an unlimited calling plan.  I would get him a sports car if only you would buy a lot more gift baskets!